The bad times.

I had a lot of bad times in high school.  I don't mean 'oh, I don't have a date' bad times, even though there were plenty of those, I mean 'I want to kill myself' bad times.  Suicide was something that was always on my mind.  I had a hard home life and was so insecure and jealous and disappointed all the time that my depression really got the best of me sometimes. 
There are a lot of entries in my journals where I contemplate death at my own hand, starting from when I was probably fourteen. I think about that now, so many years later, and I wonder why my mother never helped me?  How could she not see?  I remember telling her one time that I wanted to kill myself.  I was crying and heaving - it was a very bad moment - and she told me to stop being so dramatic.  I was often ignored in this way.
This is an entry from the end of 10th grade.  I was still battling with my feelings for Greg - he had a new girlfriend at the time that played drums and I was horribly, bitterly jealous of her.  I was best friends with Amber Roux but she was more available to hang out with our friends and she was more easy going than me, which totally killed me with envy.  I constantly thought that everyone hated me and was out to trick me - and that is something that I still (unfortunately) deal with today.  Here goes.

May 25, 1999
"Monday happened.  I skipped out on hanging out with him - I knew what that would lead to.  But I ended up talking to him Monday night.  It was incredibly hard for me to tell him everything.  I regretted saying anything.  He didn't get angry like I expected, but he didn't want to talk about anything.  He told me before I even began talking that he doesn't care about anything I say.  I means nothing to him.  That confused me and hurt me -  terribly.  It's like I wasn't even his friend, like I wasn't anything important.  Him saying that made me feel like shit.  Absolute SHIT.  He is my best friend, or he was at one time, and everything he ever said made a difference to me.  He doesn't seem to understand that everything I've ever done, anyone I've ever been, has all been for him.  And it hurts me so much to know that he can just disregard everything I've said.  But I've tried not to think about it. 
I went bowling on Friday night and Bruce was there.  I wonder if in some weird way he think I'm going after him.  It seems like I make him uncomfortable and that confuses me also.  I just want someone to talk to.  But not Bruce.  Truthfully, I'm feeling excluded and not-well-thought-of by the way everyone's treating me.  Greg's treating me like he doesn't give a fuck about anything that has to do with me.  J. replaces all.  Then Bruce and James have to make asolute sure the other Amber is also coming.  Like I'm not good enough.  Everything's just blowing up in my face.  And - this is small, but it really bothered me - I paged Bruce yesterday to see if we could hang out, but he told me that he had plans for after the awards ceremony he had to go to, and he gave this smug little I'm-going-to-go-get-fucked-up laugh and I said okay.  As it turns out, Amber Roux hung out with them all last night.  They can't forget Amber.  I'm tried of being shunned.  It's bad enough the vibes I get from Greg, but then to feel shunned.  Everything, every goddamn thing is blowing up in my face.  I want to die.  I want my life to be over.  I'm tired of all the diappointments - and my life has been one big diasppointment.  It's weird because this friend's of mine's parents are here - this friend attempted suicide about a month agao, and they're trying to cover it up.  They don't recognize me.  But I've seen so many reactions to this type of thing.  How will my people react?"