May 30, 2001
"Tonight was like a movie. It all began like this...
I drove up to the Speedway to pick up my pet pig, Smokey, from Nate, who had kept him for the night. We exchanged hellos and said our goodbyes. He wished me luck on finding an apartment, I hoped he wouldn't get too fucked up at Paul's house. I wanted to tell him [that I want to break up with him] but the words clung to my throat. I went to the apartments, found one, put down a deposit. Before all this, and before I go on, I called Paul's house and asked Nate to pick me up from work at 9:30 because I wouldn't have a car and I knew then that he was already blazing. I worked the whole night and was surprised when he didn't show up at 9:20 or 9:25 or even 9:30. At 9:35 I called his phone and asked him where he was. At Paul's. Did you forget about me? What? Picking me up at 9:30? What time is it now? 9:40. Oh baby, I'm so sorry. I'm on my way right now.
Five minutes later his drunk ass shows up. I know instantly that I don't want him to drive. He can barely talk straight.
He's telling me what he did tonight. Now I'm crying. He smoked. Drank. Took two zanis...just like everyone else, all those pill poppers. He told me just the other day that he didn't do that anymore.
He's apologizing. I cry, hard. Drive off the road a little. It's pouring rain.
He's apologizing but he's drunk. This has got to stop. I tell him never to be fucked up around me again, that it's breaking my heart. He says he'll do anything for me. He loves me. So much. More than anything in this whole world. He'd give up anything fro me. And this drug stuff, this has got to stop, it's pulling us apart. Please forgive me, baby, please, I love you so much, I would kill myself if I lost you. I tell him I forgive him. He can't stop apologizing. He's crying. I pull up to the gas station. It's pouring rain. We stop and talk and cry in the jeep until I tell him what time it is. He's supposed to be at that job, unloading boxes at a warehouse, at 10:30. It's 10:24, we're driving down the road to my house. I just want to blurt it out [that I want to dump him]. He keeps repeating himself. Right before he leaves, we're standing in the rain.
The manager at the warehouse calls his cell phone twice, he has to go. I'm scared to death, it's pouring all over town, he's drunk and I know he's going to speed. I don't want to tell him now because I'm afraid he'll forget by morning but I have to tell him at some point. He promises he won't forget, but I don't say anything. He says, I love you more than anybody in this whole world. The phone rings again, he has to go. I love you, he says, as he rolls out of the driveway. I love you, I mouth, but I don't think he sees me. He drives off; I stand in the same spot, holding Smokey, in the rain, in the night. I wish you were here."
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