College won't want me...

May 20, 1999
"...It hit me today that I won't get into Honors Society.  What college is going to want me??  But I have a plan.  Over the summer some time my braces will come off, and I want to start taking guitar classes again, and my hair will grow long again, and I'm staring to see a dermatologist.  I'm getting comfortable with myself and I'll grow into this beautiful person.  I'll be like an ugly caterpillar shedding my old skins.
I'm thinking about dropping out of band.  I'm just really nervous about that.
What I really want to do is go to a private school - a boarding school.  I could focus on education instead of all this bullshit.  And it would be private and advanced.  And it's absolutely hopeless.  Everything's so hopeless right now."

A folk song, or something....

In keeping with the current mood...

November 3, 1998
"O, Sweet Misery

'They can no longer cover or hide everything we've fucked up.'

All our excuses, our alibis
have slipped away unnoticed
they can no longer stop
the bleeding
from the scars we thought had healed.

My eyes have faded gray
And I see him
look from the grass to me
telling me about our bad habits
why we do the things we do
or
think the things we think.

Because we know no better way.
We don't know how to change.
We love our sweet misery."